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So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Poetry is my passion
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture
Not sure if whoever designed parking garages is an architectural genius or sadist
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge