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My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Couldn’t recommend it enough.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
secret recipe
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
“what’s it like having a sister?”
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…