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she has a smile full of sesame seeds
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…
Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.