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Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
#Caturday
i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Cat.
mathematically impossible
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones