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If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Hey i am sexy to you now
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark