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cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe