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Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes