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Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
So glad we cleared that up
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.