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Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant