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A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
October already? What’s next? November????
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.