You Might Also Like
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Husband: Want to go for a run?
Me: You know I don’t run.
Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
me 2 months after i graduated
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat