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Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”