You Might Also Like
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*
Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald’s, they’ll think you’re sharing all that food with another person.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”