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*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Lmao 😁
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry CavillAnd, no, it’s not a chowder class.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Spotted in New Orleans.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.