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Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
That’s a good costume, I hope.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
live, laugh, laundry.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao
A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
