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*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Spring cleaning checklist…
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.