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Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Tapped in
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Sharon, call the vet
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Rooting for the overdog