Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….

Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣

Dear predictive text,

I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.

[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.

I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.

Breakfast in bed.

Cannot stop laughing at this

WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.

If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.

Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.

don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings

CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.

ME: Oh no.

ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship

PIRATE: …Aye

ME: 😊

P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya

me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]

water polo ref: still no

love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes

iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep

*next morning*

iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off

“I got this”

-hypochondriac reading Web MD

“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”

I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.

Me when people tell me secrets I already knew

Omg. It happened again.

I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.

Help me 😩

Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.

Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?

Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink

OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.

OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew

My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.

7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.

me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins

Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”

This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper