Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO

She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory

Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.

Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.

Suburban life is a roller coaster.

SON: Why did mommy leave?

ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?

SON: Yeah

ME: She said that shit was fake yo

My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.

The game has officially changed 😎

Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.

Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.

FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby

ME: not today satan

We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.

The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing

[work email]

Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!

*hides bag of steaks*

[waking up on sunday morning]

me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night

*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*

*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”

My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.

We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.

Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.

You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.

I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.

Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…

WebMd: You’re gonna die.

“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?

My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful

🤝

Me : Disgrace😭

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.

Wanna wake your teens up early?

Cook bacon

No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.

Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?

Random person who answered the phone: Yes.

Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?

my first day as a raccoon

Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!

Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.

Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.