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So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family