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SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
😂😂😂
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners