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Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
called in thicc to work this morning
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti