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ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
🤣
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.
This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.