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People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
The morning after pill, but for tweets
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”