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My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.