You Might Also Like
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
It’s so cute how my husband gently presses on my foot as if it’s a break that will stop me from talking
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?