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*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?