You Might Also Like
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
You’ll be OK
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
X-tra spooky blend
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?