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Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones