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Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT