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“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”
if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
mumsnet is amazing
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
okay run it by me one more time
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
when unicorns get really drunk
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.