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I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.