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*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
What are some weird things about living in the modern world?
I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”