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Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
I love twitter
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .