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How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.