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He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…