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I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom