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*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.