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[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.
I do this on a Steffi Graph.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
“I’m helping” 😅
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!