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Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Room with a view.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.