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volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.
Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?
Me: No, just spots.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
I’m a bad influence on myself.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*
Many hands make light work
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.