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Proofread twice, hang posters once
Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
im all 3
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal