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me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys