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Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak