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If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.