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add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.