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“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Very problematic
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.