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Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.