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[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum