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Boy never ceases to amaze me
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.
*my husband
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.