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Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?