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[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
New favorite tiktok
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.
Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.
Piper is a cat.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*