You Might Also Like
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
What a year we’ve had this week.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,
“You’re making a big moose steak.”
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Who knew!
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?