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Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.