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First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.