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Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
step 6: release the wall snake
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
