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When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”