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wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?