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It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.