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ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.