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We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway
