You Might Also Like
In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
#ProTip
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
describing stardew valley
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Putting the humidifier on high because I have guests coming over and I don’t want them to know how dry I live.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs