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[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.