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Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
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Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Oh we’ve met.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣