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I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool
Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”