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It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.