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Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
*files a restraining order against reality*
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
thinking about a very short hotdog
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
i was dropped as an adult
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Isn’t
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.