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The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Yup.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
any last words?
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
jesus christ confetti not now
