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“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”