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[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name