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After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.