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My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*