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If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
This is my brand.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*