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Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
friend saw this guy on the apps lol
good let them take over I have had enough
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
I need to know what happened here in 1620.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong