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To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago