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If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
This a good idea
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon