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I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Hell yeah 👍
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family