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My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Hmmmmm
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.