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Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity