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Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
thanksgiving in nutshell
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.