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“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.
Tuber Eats.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.