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I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers