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Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
pat pat
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played